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I’d start with 'Hello. I hope this show helps cheer up the ordinary people watching at home. If you’re unemployed for example, take some comfort in the fact that even if you had a job, your salary probably wouldn’t be as much as the goody bag all the actors have just been given' ... and then: 'I’m proud to announce that this is the most diverse and progressive Oscars ever. Looking out I see people from all walks of life. Every demographic under the sun. Except poor people, obviously. Fuck them.'